Unscripted Feelings

Changing lens.

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The last few weeks have been experiential. Not something exotic in worldly sense but more on spiritual or soul level. I have gotten to know myself better, I understand my feelings and behaviour more and I am ready to take the lead to soften myself, accept myself and become better more cautiously. Statements starting with why are being replaced by, might be because of.

I have always been understanding, caring, thoughtful, leading, giving etc etc but now I am more interested in intentions than attention. I know what I bring to a relationship, friendship and nothing half hearted. I now have stopped compromising. I am learning to read the boundaries better or set them up if need be without fear of abandonment or fear of loss. Yes, it will take time putting myself first as thats not been the norm but I am getting there slowly and steadily.

There are times I am etched to step further, its uncomfortable at times too because I am used to being certain way and change is hard especially on this level. But I am enjoying this journey of being at same pace at the other person is. Emotional attachment, investment has costed me in past and I don’t want to be the one carrying a relationship of any-kind alone anymore. It’s a partnership build on mutual efforts and showing up consistently and standing the ground despite hardships.

I didn’t write for a while because I stepped onto this journey but this space allows me to share with Universe with no expectations and it helps ❤️

Onwards and upwards.

WB Prompts

Happiness

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Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.

My name reflects and means happiness. I guess in life all of us are after happiness in some form. Irony, I am still learning what happiness looks or feels like for me. Its a nice experience knowing yourself on that level :)

Unscripted Feelings

It’s OK. Is it, though?

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Of course, by now you all know I am a think tank—perhaps even more so lately, as my universe continues to shake with all kinds of quakes. I’ve been thinking about how often I’ve said “It’s OK” to people and situations that were anything but.

I’m not OK with that anymore.

I don’t use this phrase lightly now. And when something isn’t OK, I don’t pretend that it is.

For far too long, people I loved and cared for—colleagues I meant well for, friends I believed were closest to me—said and did things, and all I ever offered was “It’s OK.” Maybe I wanted them to stay longer. Maybe I wanted peace, calm, less stress for them. But in soothing everyone else, I took the beating.

I became someone who, on the surface, seemed OK with everything—someone who never put herself first.

I compromised, and looking at where I am today, I know it wasn’t always the right thing to do. Every individual is accountable in a relationship, whatever form that relationship takes. Repeatedly hurting someone is not OK. Being polite when it’s killing you inside is not OK.

I wish I had known this earlier. I wish I had known it better.

I wasn’t there for my younger self the way I should have been—the way I was there for others, many of whom took the easy way out when it came time to be there for me.

So from here on, we don’t say “It’s OK” when it actually isn’t.

Unscripted Feelings

My Love story with Sun ☀️

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There is something about a sunrise that feels like a quiet resurrection inside me. Every time the sun peeks over the horizon, I feel as though a part of me that had gone silent—tired, forgotten, maybe even bruised—slowly opens its eyes again. It’s not loud or dramatic. It’s gentle. Reassuring. Almost like the universe leaning in and whispering, “You made it. I’m here.”

With every sunrise, it feels like my waiting ends. Waiting for hope. Waiting for warmth. Waiting for something—or someone—to show up and stay. The sun does that without asking questions, without conditions. It arrives faithfully, as if it promised me long ago that it would never abandon me, no matter how heavy the night before was.

And then there is the sunset—my most peaceful goodbye. I let the sun sink into the void without fear, without resistance, because I trust it. I trust that this parting is not an ending. It’s a pause. A promise wrapped in fading gold and bruised purples. The sky puts on a final show, pouring every emotion it can hold—longing, gratitude, nostalgia, peace—before surrendering to darkness. And somehow, my heart learns to let go a little better every time.

The drama in the sky, the chaos of colors colliding and melting into one another, feels so achingly human. Just like life. Just like love. Feelings rise, clash, overwhelm, fade—but one truth remains constant: the sun will return. That certainty shapes the way I see everything, especially human connections. For me, love, friendship, family—everything important—comes down to one simple benchmark: show up. Be consistent. Be present. Be calming. Even if you must leave, promise me you’ll come back.

The sun taught me that.

I know it might sound foolish, but I believe I share a love story with the sun. A peaceful, unspoken bond with the clouds. A heart-string-tugging attachment with the rain. No human presence has ever soothed me the way these do. They ask nothing of me, yet give me everything—comfort, clarity, grounding. Maybe life is better when humans and nature exist together in these moments, but without this… I feel incomplete.

These moments—sunrises, sunsets, quiet skies, soft rain—may seem ordinary to the world. Mundane, even. But to me, they are sacred. They are intimate. They are deeply, achingly personal. And that’s why I feel protective of them. Not everyone deserves to stand beside me during these times. Not everyone knows how to be gentle with something so tender.

And yes, I am emotional. With everything. Always.

But maybe that’s because I still know how to feel wonder when the sun rises—and how to trust when it sets.

PS : If anyone really ever wanted to see my best side, it be during the golden hour overlooking a rise or a set ❤️

Jurmala, Latvia
Tell a tale !

Where I Go, I Carry This With Me

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After lying in bed for what felt like forever, my mind crowded with open tabs I couldn’t close, I finally got up. I cancelled the trip in my head a thousand times before I even left. I looked up ways to escape Faro, searched for places to run to — though I don’t even know what I was trying to outrun. And yet, somehow, I still boarded the train to the airport this morning.

Travel has never felt this heavy. There is no excitement tucked away in any quiet corner of my heart. I am scared. Truly scared. I’m running from something, but carrying it with me all the same. You can’t hide from yourself — and I’m learning that the place was never the problem to begin with.

I felt so achingly needy that I asked someone to be present on my birthday. Saying that out loud still stings. It doesn’t feel like something I would do. But this year, I really didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to feel that familiar abandonment — that quiet confirmation that I don’t matter enough to be chosen, to be celebrated, to be made to feel special. I asked anyway. And as expected, the answer was no. Somehow, that hurts more than I imagined it would.

The only thing softening the blow — even slightly — is the sun and the landscape slipping past the train window (see pictures 😬) Their presence feels steady, almost merciful. I wish human connection could be like this: constant, unconditional, consistent, and quietly warming. Something you don’t have to earn or ask for.

So here I am, carrying all this heaviness onto another flight, into another city, holding on to the simple promise of sunlight. I look forward to it more than anything else right now. Always and forever indebted to its existence. Sometimes, when people fall short, you cling to what isn’t human just to feel a little less broken.

I’ll write more on this as I land this evening, and try to soothe my heart in the best possible ways I can.

Somewhere Enroute to Airport
Unscripted Feelings

Existence

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Have heard, loss is part of life and nothing is permanent in life more often than I would like to admit. I am not a fan of this and neither am I very optimistic.

Having gone through loss of a sister at a young age, feelings of abandonment from that point on, to being a most responsible adult (without anyone asking), chasing some sort of safety and belonging, attachment issues, going and growing through college which felt like a longest time in history. There were days when I was lost then and days that I am lost now.

Post college, I went to work in a strange city and I could see myself feeling out of place almost all the time. Probably seeking validation of some sort or recognition or just that a notice that I exist. Through that time I had encounters that didn’t really meant a lot but left a grave impression on how dismissive and shallow relationships could be. That not everything has depth for people in it.

I fell in love in that city, or atleast thats what I thought it was. There were shared experiences, no common grounds language or culture, there was sense of being together but a constant etch that this wont last long. My headspace is quite different from the place I come from. And hence I tend to see possibilities even where is a narrow chance. It ended by the other person getting engaged and sharing that over a text.

Met someone at work, became fast friends, grew into relationship though I hesitated. I wasnt sure but I slipped into it. Felt that was forever, loved, fought, tried hard. Waited to be seen.. struggled, made a wrong choice. Tried to reconcile.. stayed present. But I guess it was naive of be so in love and still so not be wanted. There is never an unconditional love. You think there is but there isnt. Lost Dad. Moved countries and lost him as well. Parted ways with my younger brother too, I love him but there isnt any respect from him anymore.

Been a few weeks, since someone I cherished whole heartedly, just said “there is no reason for is to talk” I just completely feel hollow. Not because I had a breakup, not because I lost family, but mostly because I dont know how to exist anymore. I want to complain, I want to cry, I want to shout the loudest. And then I feel I need to be held, caressed, made to feel safe, that my existence matters, that I matter. 36 years of life and doesnt feel that I am good enough, that I was good enough. That I ever was enough.

I wake up to anxiety most days, I sleep with the same. I try to hide that away in day light but cant anymore. It’s been this way since many years. Travelling seems a runway. I keep running to no end.

The more I think about myself the more I realise I am not meant for the world as it is. Changing the core of myself to be just chosen, showed up for, just accepting objectivity as is, being ok with everything everyone does. Where am I in all that? Why do I feel empty? The quest is tiring, exhausting and most importantly unsettling. The constant fight to find or be at peace, I am ready to give up.

Sunrise from the window
Unscripted Feelings

A small survival

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This week was… heavy. And honestly, there haven’t been many light days lately. I keep wondering if my perspective is just clouded or if I’m stuck in some loop of hurt—but even if that’s true, today still hurt. A colleague spoke to me in a way that made me feel small again. Diminished. As if my effort to stay afloat means nothing to the people around me. Being kind feels like a luxury no one wants to spend on me.

I tried—truly tried—to de-escalate things, to clear the air, to show I wasn’t looking for conflict. But he pushed right through me. And in that moment, I felt helpless. Inferior. Disrespected. Unheard. Irritated in that deep, hollow way that sinks into the chest.

My mind spiraled. It’s exhausting trying to stay calm when you feel constantly triggered, when the instinct to retreat, to hide, feels so strong. I ended up calling a friend just to pour it all out, because that’s the only way I know how to loosen the pressure in my chest. Only trusted ears get those pieces of me.

And somehow, the spiral brought me back here—where I’ve so often come to spill everything I can’t hold anymore. You’ve been the place where I can let it all out and, even if I’m annoyed or overwhelmed, feel a little more at ease.

I’ve been thinking so much, therapy, reflection, reading, watching about how to take care of myself, how to soothe my own mind and body when everything feels too fast, too loud, too much. After logging out today, I lay in bed and drifted for a bit. When I woke up, I felt empty. Hollow.

So I opened the window and let the cold air wash over me on my face, my skin just to remind myself I’m here. That I exist. And for a brief moment, that simple sensation made me feel a little more alive.

It’s one of those days when the urge to disappear grows stronger, when the weight of existing feels unbearably heavy. And yet… I’m still here, gently holding myself together in the small ways I know how. Reassuring myself. Softening toward myself. Loving myself just enough to stay.

On weeks/days like this you need a scenery like this.

Conwy, Wales